I find life to be so tedious and complicated.  I am thoroughly enjoying the work and progress on our tranquil backyard, but it pains me to know what motivated us to get this done after 12 years.  It also pains me to exclude the joys of those I love from my life, but at this point it is my only survival skill.  It frustrates me to want to pray for people I know have needs, yet know that my heart is not as it should be and that my prayers would be fruitless.  I have been told before that I am the kind of person that is genuine.  What you see is what you get; there is an honesty and sincerity about who I am.  Yet in times like these, that is not always such a good thing.  I am who I am.  I am not completely happy; my peace is lacking; my spirits are down; my interests in others' has waned.  Only one other time in my life can I remember such a harsh event that restructured my outlook on life.  That event changed me and put me on guard for a year or two.  I did not like who I was and the negative outlook I had.  It took a long while and lots of gentle encouragement to see me through it.  Even still, my life was forever changed.  As with this event, my life will be forever changed and affected.  Relationships I'm sure have and will suffer, yet I don't know of any way to speed the recovery or have feelings that are not there.  It simply isn't me, and I am bitter that I am not able to enjoy it because of the grey cloud still hanging over my head.  At the same time I am angered that I have to be subjected to others' joys and progress.  There really is no true escape!