A pair of shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I'm certainly not stronger yet, still rubbing the blisters raw! Haven't even begun to build up my calluses! I am so ANGRY!!!! WHY?!!! This was not a child we ever asked for or even planned on. Not once did I question God as to why He was giving us another child? I was surprised, but after the shock wore off, thrilled! Every night I would go to bed with my hands cradling the baby in my belly. God had placed a special gift there for us. Then when we went to hear that dear little child's heartbeat, all we got was silence! We saw his sweet little, perfect hands and spine, but our dear child was not moving and no longer alive. What was the purpose?! WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD HE PLACE A CHILD IN MY WOMB ONLY TO RIP IT OUT 14 WEEKS LATER?! I realize that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not ours, so I will just have to chalk this one up to my ignorance. Now I am struggling with the fact that I can find no hard core evidence that my child is even in the presence of God or whether his little undeveloped soul is burning in hell! There are verses that would support both sides. God IS merciful and loving, but He is also just and unable to be in the presence of sin. I am a firm believer that life starts at conception. So I was indeed carrying a human life. And we are all created of sinful flesh. I can't find concrete support to either side and have been told I need to seek Him and have faith and allow Him to give me a peace about it. I know intellectually that everything is not black and white, but I do not want to have a faith that is built on what makes me feel good. I need to know what it is that God tells us and then suck it up and deal with it, even if I don't like the answer. I don't want to allow myself to believe that my child is cradled in the arms of our Lord if I have no real proof scripturally. I don't believe that His Word is made of Jell-o and that when we come to a grey area we just need to use the verses that comfort us and make us feel good at the time. We are responsible for dealing with His truths and taking them for what they are not making them something that we can tolerate or use for our personal satisfaction. I am certainly not doing a good job of sitting still and listening. That is probably a large part of my problem, but I keep going to the Word and looking and can't find clear direction. I can't say that I am angry at God, horribly confused - yes, but not angry. As I have already confessed I realize His ways and thoughts are not our own, but where is my child's soul?