MY BABY IS DEAD!!! WHY??!!! I WILL NEVER KNOW!! I WILL NEVER HOLD MY BABY AS HE LEARNS TO BREATH, AS HE LEARNS TO NURSE, AS HE LOOKS INTO MY EYES WITH HIS SWEET EYES THAT WILL NEVER SPARKLE! This was my beautiful baby boy that I was never allowed to FULLY meet. I held my precious son in my hands as I studied his delicate feet and hands all complete in perfection. Yet I will never be allowed the opportunity to have my dear sweet son wrap those precious fingers around mine as he learns to steady himself and take his first steps. The fall of man has ROBBED me of that opportunity!!! We all face trials because we live in an imperfect world, but never could I have imagined such a trial!! Never will I hear his sweet new cries or listen as he stumbles over putting his first words together with that unbelievably tiny tongue and lips. MY child is gone! I am left to face unbelievable pain as I face the days and years ahead, all while facing the impending birth of a nephew in a matter of days now. And I feel guilt for not being able to celebrate with my sister as she rejoices today in the news that she is carrying a healthy baby girl due two weeks before our son was to arrive. I cannot celebrate with them right now. MY CHILD IS STILL DEAD AND WILL REMAIN THAT WAY FOR REASONS I CAN'T UNDERSTAND! I hear the pain will get easier; I hear the pain will subside with time, but I will FOREVER be the mother of four boys, one of whom I will NEVER know! Those who have never walked in my shoes will never understand! Those who have, have had to walk the road in their own way. To some I may seem unreasonable and eccentric, to others I may seem weird, but I have to cope with this the only way I know how. I don't believe there is a right or wrong way. For those who worry for me, I don't know what to tell you. I am angry! I am numb! I am confused! I am bitter, and I am lost! Please don't judge my actions. I am not even facing this day to day but rather breath by breath. I love dearly my three wonderful sons and sensational husband! They are more treasured and cherished than you will ever know, but all the love in the world or any possible children to come will never fill or replace the hole left in my heart. As I lay my dear sweet son to rest, I must struggle to find a rest of my own.