I tried desperately to go back in time this weekend. I loved my baby so, but now I wish he had never been conceived! What was the point! He never have a chance to form memories or relations but those of us left behind did! I would have been so much better off if he, my precious fourth son, had never been conceived!!

I returned Friday to the Dewey Bald Observation Tower in Branson, MO and climbed the 55 steps to the top of the 40 ft lookout. It was in that exact same spot nearly 15 years ago that Daddy told me that I was going to make someone a good wife some day. My eyes teared as I began thinking that he was trying to let me down easy. Little did I know that it was his practice proposal. Yet today I am wondering if I will ever be that good wife again. All I am able or want to do at this point is run and hide. I still talk with Nathan and my boys, but my spirit is crushed and I want nothing to do with anyone else. I sat at the top of that tower complaining to and questioning God and His love. My feeble peon brain cannot grasp how casting on and knitting you in my womb, He immediately and knowingly dropped stitches so that your fragile life would unravel before it ever fully began. What kind of sick joke it that?! HOW is that love? Sure the Bible says that I should rejoice in the fact that your little human body never faced trials, turmoil and pain but rather went straight back into the arms of our Lord. But how would you have missed out on anything if your little soul had never even been created?! Yet He played yo-yo with my emotions, and I am to thank Him, praise Him and give Him the glory?! Am I to mourn my own life, the lives of my family and friends as well as all the little babies I see because we were all damned to remain on this awful earth?!

I sat Saturday at the C of O overlook, walked the halls of Jones, and visited the classroom where Nathan and I met. I reminisced about being at that exact same overlook with my sisters, grandparents and parents; I thought back to the days I studied that roll sheet to find out the name of that guy a couple of rows over that one day embarrassed me horribly as he sent me roses one by one delivered by different classmates and invited me to the homecoming dance in front of the entire class. And I wonder why I can't just rewind time! I would completely remove my child's conception from history, and then neither of us would be any worse off!!

As it is I have insulted people I love, hurt those around me, and closed my life off to outsiders. People talk about me needing meds or counseling so I can function and get back to "normal." In my mind that translates, "We need you to mourn but move on. Celebrate new life; greet each new day as an opportunity. Life will get easier. Life will go on." THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!

HOW while my child is decaying in the ground can I possibly move on and celebrate ANY new life knowing my child is rotting while they are holding there precious breathing flesh and blood? They will have to accept that I cannot and will not put my pain and emotion on the back burner in order to make them more comfortable. If I am such a burden and so awkward to be around and obviously I am the problem than perhaps to lock me away until I can be "fixed" would be best. I wouldn't cause anyone else discomfort and once I was reprogrammed to be the happy, fully functional, wife, mother, daughter, D-I-L, S-I-L, friend, I could be released back into society!!

As I sat listening to the songs chime at the chapel, it seemed so ironic!! I went to those places to find peace and feel closer to God. Although some peace did come to me as I regressed into my past, I have never in my life felt further from Him. Never have I felt so abandoned and alone and wonder, "Where did MY God go? The God who loves me and want only the best for me? Where is He NOW?! When I cry out to Him, I feel I have so much anger and bitterness He will never hear me anyway.